How to start and end an email
I've been puzzling over the social form known as email. More often than not, people send me emails addressed with a salutation of the kind used with the other form of correspondence once simply known as a letter:
"Dear Amy" or "Hi Amy" or "Hello Amy" or "Hey Amy", "Dear Ms Tan" or even "Dear Amy Tan". Occasionally, there is no salutation.
You can pretty much guess who would use the various salutations. "Dear Amy Tan" is from eBay or Paypal, telling me I have either paid for something or should pay for it. "Hey Amy" is only from someone I know well enough to hug. No salutation is from my husband, my assistant, my friends I am in touch with everyday. Familiarity breeds lack of hello, hey, and dear. I email my husband daily, although he is across the hall from me. r "Guests arriving at 7 p.m. I may have on earplugs while writing, so please answer the door when the dogs bark."
Emails to my familiars are telegrammic. "Arriving noon. If late, will call." Sometimes the answers are elliptical. "Okay," it will say, and I have to scroll down to an older email to know what "okay" refers to. I am rarely telegammic or elliptical. I am among the novelistic and garrulous in replying to emails. I include every side-thought while writing back, adding surgical notes about my dog's cleft palate, remarks about how I slept the night before, detailed heart-rending about someone we know in common who has just been diagnosed with a terrible disease. I am embarrassed at times how long my emails are. This is the reason I have finished three novels fewer than I ought to have. Since I am now on a writing schedule, I have restricted myself to internet only briefly, forcing upon me the telegrammic style. Aas always, I don't proof-read my emails, which saves time, but there are always mistakes, and I'm sure there are people who've received an email from me who wonder how I ever became a writer when I don't know subject-verb agreement. It's amazing, actually, how many writers I know whose emails are riddled with mistakes. They don't bother either. You'd think we'd be more self-conscious.
Now here is what I ponder over the most. The ending. The sign-offs. At the end of each email, I ask myself that slight anxiety-producing question: Which ending should I use? Which have others used with me. Consider them:
"Yours" -- I see that written by business people I have never met. I used to think "yours" was written by lovers. But it seems more used in business. I asked a friend what "yours" meant to her. She is "yours" is a business signoff because it is an abbreviated form of "sincerely yours" or "yours truly." Now that we are less sincere and less true, we can pledge that we are "yours." I think the last person who emailed using that word was a man I've corresonded with several times over the installation of a generator.
"Best" --I admit that I have used this a lot. It seems jovial, friendly, assured. Thinking about it, it must come from an abbreviated form of "best wishes." I went back to a few emails where I had written "best" and realized it would have sounded awkward to have written "best wishes" instead. First of all, "best wishes" seems like a greeting card ending. It feels distanced to me. What's more, "best wishes" are the same two words many people ask me write on books I am signing for them (Given my druthers, I would write something far better). Having written "best wishes" to strangers thousands of times, it makes me feel that "best wishes"on an email is not entirely friendly. Furthermore, "best wishes" sounds too superficially happy, not a good thing to write when you've just told someone that you're sorry they just lost their job. But I still use "best." Or sometimes "all best," which is what I saw a writer had signed on her handwritten letters to me twenty-five years ago. And I thought it was very sophisticated because she was/is a great writer.
"Regards." I have never used this. I assume it derives from "best regards," or "give my regards to..." I have a peculiar reaction to "regards." As I see it, "regards" is what people used to write in the 1940s and 1950s. It seems stiff and antiquated. Then again, I've seen people far younger than I use that sign-off. The friendlier version is, of course, "warm regards," but that seems odd to me as well, a sort of oven mitt added to what is already lukewarm. A friend who got mad at me suddenly started signing off, "regards," and eventually elevated it to "warm regards," but has declined to resume using "love." So that confirms what I think about "regards."
Which brings me to "love" and "xxox".
I used to think that "xxox" and its variants meant "love". It sort of does. But when I see that someone has actually written "love", that stands out much more and causes me to wonder what they mean by "love" written out so blatantly. My custom is to use "xoxox" for what the symbols stand for: Kisses and hugs. That is not something that came naturally to me until more recently --in the last ten years. My family did not hug and kiss. Or maybe you hugged someone if they were leaving for years. But I've adapted. I hug more often. I don't stiffen my shoulders when people hug me. In Spain and France, though, it's absurd. The interviewers kiss the moment they meet--before they conduct the interview. In Spain, they address you also in the "tu" familiar form from the outset. In France, you are "vous" to whoever is addressing you, unless they are under the age of 5 or you have been married to him for more than ten years.
Suffice it to say, to people I would ordinarily give a kiss and a hug, I use "xoxo" or "xxxoo" or even "xxxxxxxoo" --with the x symbol somehow carrying more weight than the o. Maybe it's because oooooooxxx looks like a bull crying in pain.
Anyway, I've noticed that a lot of people are using the symbol xxxoo signoff more, too. It's contagious. And that makes me think that conventions and emotional expressions can become viral in email. People copy style as convention. It also does not take much to alter the convention. I will give an example. In the past, I would close most of my emails like this:
"best,
Amy"
But then it seemed redundant that I write my name, when my name had already been announced at the beginning of the email in the sender email address. So I began condensing my signature to this:
"best,
A"
Curious thing happened. Most of the people I knew started replying to me with their initials only after their sign-off:
best,
M
So then I started signing off to most people I know:
"xoxx
A"
And again, most people replied with a similar row of symbols and their initial.
"xoxx
M"
I went further and changed it stylisticaly to this:
"xx/A"
And I got back
x/M
But then I would wonder why this person had used a shorter number of love symbols, only one to my two. Was it more stylistic or less love?
So this is what a writer thinks about instead of writing. I've decided that this week's timewaster is to create a brand new, never-used salutation and close for each email. I want to see how people respond--with more or less or something similarly aimed? What would you write, if I signed off:
"My fingers are tapping love love love to you and leave the keyboard ever so reluctantly and only because it is 2:36 a.m."
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.”
—Amy Tan, The Kitchen God's Wife
About Amy
As a child Amy Tan believed her life was duller than most. She read to escape. Her parents wanted her to be a doctor and a concert pianist. She secretly dreamed of becoming an artist. She began writing fiction when she was 33. Her first short story was...
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Best
Amy,
I have the same feeling about “regards,” and I also use “best,” but with capital B. But my “Best” is from “Best regards,” not from “Best wishes.” I use “Best” almost every time. In the past, I worried that people might think I was a boring person because of it, but I decided to combat people’s prejudice rather than spending time to come up with a fresh idea each time.
It’s 8 pm here in Japan. And I don’t use “xo” because it smells bad in Japanese. “ox” or “xxoo” is okay.
Thank you for this breathless and amusing blog, Amy!
Actually, I like the sign-off used by Evie Shockley if it's not a business email. Peace. It's a good one to keep in the frame at all times and it says everything. If we all became focused on that, would our collective unconscious create a better world? I like to think so.It takes a broader context into account and keeps us mindful that this crazy melange of human existence is not just about you and me period. As writers we subscribe more than most to the power of the written word.
So, without the oven mitts,
Peace!
Dear Amy Tan, I am even more confused now :)
And this is not from eBay. I used to believe that 'Dear' meant someone truly dear; many readers write in with 'Hey' and then go on to disagree with me virulently, so it is not all nice. I do stick to full names because I am confused about gender with some and do not wish to sound too familiar. It is another matter that some even begin their notes with a 'LOL!', with the exclamation mark.
As for the sign-off, like Rosy I occasionally use 'Peace' except that I might not feel it! Regards...okay, it is starchy but works.
What would you write, if I signed off: "My fingers are tapping love love love to you and leave the keyboard ever so reluctantly and only because it is 2:36 a.m."
How about "Good morning to your dreams"?
~F
Ohhhhh, now you've got me
Ohhhhh, now you've got me thinking.
I don't use "peace" because I used to be in the Peace Corps, so I have to be careful about not coming across as too much the hippie chick.
In business communications, I often use "respectfully," because that's how I try to treat people, and it's also how I want to be treated.
I have used "XOXOXOXOXOXO, E" or "L, E" for as long as I can remember. If I'm really nuts about someone, I do the belt-and-suspender "L, XOXOXOXOXOXO, E." Gotta get my point across.
In French culture, the number of kisses one receives upon greeting and departure does reflect the degree of affection and closeness, so I dole out my "Xs" and "Os" accordingly, the latter equalling approximately half of the former. Can't be too liberal at the beginning 'cause later there will be nowhere left to go.
A few years ago, I had a major falling out with a person who'd been a dear friend. Her signoffs to me went from the "L, XOXOXOXOXO" variety to a mere "Yours." Given the suddenness of the dropoff, I took it to mean "Up Yours." Context is critical.
Amy, I think you should just make up a word to use as a signoff and see if people pick up on it. My high school friends and I did something similar back in the day. We combined all our initials and invented the word "jacer." We decided upon a meaning (can't remember it now) and began throwing it around. And, sure enough, people started using it. Don't think it's made it into any dictionaries just yet, though. But it was an interesting social experiment.
Two endings I use often; for
Two endings I use often; for those towards whom I feel a warm-fuzzy connection - irrespective of their gender - but someone younger than me - "With much affection" or Affecionate regards"
To others within the Meditative tradition - "In service" which would sound corny to others.
email
That is so funny! Even I have pondered about it. I always include a salutation that is informal such as "hi" even to my mom. If I'm writing to a professional than I would write address as "dear so-and-so."
When closing it would be "take care" to friends. "Sincerely" for formal e-mails. "love you" to family.
For strangers there would be a salutation, but no closures -- just my first name.
Now, I find myself writing a short sentence leading to a goodbye instead of the usual one-liners.
It still bothers me when I would get emails from someone that I know who would not put a salutation or a closure --- just the message. I guess that is the trend these days. I compare it to a message left on an answering machine, there is always a salutation and a closure (along with a friendly voice).
Okay, I'm ending here, this is getting too long -- Cheryll
Pondering valedictions
Dear Amy,
The word for the sign-off is the "valediction," a word I used a lot when I was teaching business writing.
My father signs his letters and emails to me "oxes" or "a herd of oxen" referring to x's and o's.
Our mutual friend Jane Ganahl is the one who, less than a decade ago, converted me from feeling only condescending horror at people casually signing "xx" or "oxox," to becoming someone who does it constantly, even with people whom I would not hug in person and possibly just met. Although, I usually hate hugging people in person and only do it because everyone hugs constantly and I don't want to appear cold; I think handshakes are greatly underrated.(This is another blog topic.)
The best validictions in town are from Robert Mailer Anderson who makes something up every time, usually sounding like the voiceover in a 1951 noir film, like "driving the getaway car," (refering to a family vacation) "on the run and on the hunt" (a reference to his film Pig Hunt), "reaching for my Hemlock," (referring to a reading at the Hemlock) and so on.
oxox, Ivory Madison
Founder and CEO, Red Room
Hello there. :)
Thanks for your blog.
I found myself smiling throughout, I find the subject enters my mind every so-often and I found your comments really hit the mark for me.
I hope you don't mind me sharing some personal observations about the subject. On a business level I tend to automatically mimic what is sent to me. It keeps the status quo so I don't really give it much thought.
On a personal level it's very different. I only write what I sincerely feel. For example, I never sign kisses and hugs unless I mean it so I will only add things like x's and o's when writing to the very closest of friends and family. The rest of the time it's often anything from 'Best wishes', 'All the best' to 'Take care' - all of which are meant whole-heartedly. I do like the term ttfn (ta ta for now) as well.
Having had several Pagan friends, I used to like the Pagan sign-offs such as 'love and light' and 'bright blessings'. They sounded sincere to me at first but after hearing and reading it at every turn, said to and from every man and his dog, it started to feel insincere very quickly.
It's not to say that some people are sincere, it's just when the term is used all the time, even when I know that people absolutely hate the sight of each other! It's a shame, because in their own right these are terms with lovely sentiments. I suppose the same could be said of any overused term. :)
What would I respond to "My fingers are tapping love love love to you and leave the keyboard ever so reluctantly and only because it is 2:36 a.m."? Well, that would depend on who the person was who wrote it. If it was someone who sincerely wrote like that, I would say they are sweet and write something similar. If they were complete opposites of that type of comment then I would laugh and poke fun at them, possibly stick my tongue out at them.
Thanks again for a great blog. :)
Dear Amy: Great post. Best
Dear Amy:
Great post.
Best oxes high-five evah,
D
email etiquette
Dear Amy,
It's so nice to read about another person's thoughts on (and struggles with) this sort of thing--it's the sort of thing I have been known to agonize about: Is "Best" too dry for a coworker-turned-friend? Is "Love" too cozy for a seldom-talked-to-cousin? Is "Dear" too prim for a new love interest? Email is such an informal medium, but formality is a safer default--it's confusing! When in doubt (and in the vast gray area between an email to a prospective employer and an email to an intimate friend), I stick with "Dear [first name]" and "Best, Charles." Neither is very satisfying. Maybe I will start using some better adjectives and superlatives for salutations and valedictions? "Wise Aunt Jerri, ... Most Admiringly, Charles."
(And I once suspected a frequent correspondent of intentionally using one more "x" or "o" than I did in responses to my emails. I did some tests, and confirmed that he was doing this.... I had to decide *not* to see it as some sort of passive-aggressive power play.)
Thanks for a great blog post.
Most Entertained,
Charles
e-mail greetings
How about hola, Hottie, X0, Ann Seymour (Yesterday I commented here on Bonesetter's Daughter)
Salaam ... (Peace)
I have lived most of my life in Arabian and Muslim worlds. Though I did travel to the pinnacles of Western Civilizations too.
So, when I returned to my home country a couple of years ago, I was amazed at the response I got from my new colleagues in a multinational top of the world accounting firm: DO NOT USE SALAM as an opening line of your emails ! Surely, I did not agree, and it resulted in an interesting long tussle within the firm.
Now to top their distaste for Salaam (A common greeting in Muslim countries, including mine)I always write "A very nice and pleasant day to you".... now you would think that most would agree with such a wish!!! Think again ... ha ha ha. They had problems with a good day wish too. They thought it is not professional. Now we know why the lawyers are so much professional in this world, followed by the accountants.
Some emailers, and cyber world citizens think that Cyber world is a different world. Like we become aliens from Mars, if we are writing and communicating via the medium of today. How wrong this arguments seems to be.. Does a new medium change us as human beings, and does it alter our very basic nature ... of generally trying to think good about others, as well as ourselves! What if emails become obsolete soon, and telepathy rules the universe! Will we stop saying Hi Mom .... or I LOVE YOU ...
So, it seems, that whether one is a professional writer, or just an ordinary everyday mom and dad and so on, they would stick by the basic human nature and etiquette. But one can say that etiquettes too are a matter of fashion and times.
Whatever, as far as we are communicating, and others perceive our intentions rightly, it would be fine.
Now it seems that this debate might be coming to a close by now: well, just picture this ... In Iran, when they need to nod to say NO, they move their heads UP and DOWN. To rest of the world that is YES ! And that is why no one understand Iran, like they do among themselves.
So, what can one add to the excellent thoughts of Amy ... As far as your addressees understand what you mean, it might be okay. But do not count on its full understanding by rest of the world.
Red Room Bulls to You All ;-)
eMail
Since email is the technological equivelent of 1's and 0's any form of attempt to go beyond the integers is fine with me.
For my start if I know you -- and you can know someone after one email because trust is implicit in social media today -- I usually say Hey (and your name) with an (!) point. So it would look like this: Hey Michael!
If I don't know you but deem you to be an important person and want to show respect I usually use the Queen's English: Dear Michael,
And the end is open to my mood that day. If I am really up I might use: Have a great Tuesday, Michael. If I am feeling low I might use: Kindest, Michael. And if I am all over the place then I usually use these variants: ~~mp, ~~michael, peace/michael, /the ViBe, negative(cancel)and finally positive(note to self to write again soon)!
Kindest,
Michael
P.S. Now you know my secrets and will be able to tell where on earth I am coming from! ~~mp
P.S.S. Great blog post Amy!~~michael
Dear Ms. Tan:
hmmm. I suppose you are "dear"...but one can't be sure these days...especially when dealing with people on the internet (dot dot dot). Still, I'd write "Dear Amy" or "Dear Ms. Tan" if I were to send you an email, because as an American, I apply the notion that American own all celebrities. It's true. Isn't it? We own you, so we can refer to you as "dear", right? (smiley face)
Best,
Stacy Alexander
AKA
xoxo/S.A.
The spellchecker also has opinions on all this
I just signed off on an email to a friend with: "Xoxox" and the spellcheck stopped me and suggested that perhaps I meant "Xerox."
"Xoxox" is not an acronym exactly, but I'm sure there's a word for what it is. The written equivelent of onamonopeia...? Pictograms?
Xerox,
Ivory Madison
Founder and CEO, Red Room
I used to believe that,
I used to believe that, given the ephemeral quality of email that such correspondence was exempt from the traditional niceties of a letter. Most of us don't expects our emails to have great historical significance 200 years from now. A handwritten letter to Abe Lincoln is one thing....a Red Room post is....well...er...uh.
Now that it was recently calculated that the entire memory capacity of all the innternet servers is in the BILLIONS OF PETABYTES, (Idon't think there's even a metric prefix for that), it could very well be that every keystroke we fling out there is stored for all eternity.
The only mitigating factor in this is that, while YOUR promiscuously blorted-out words will hang around in cyberspace forever....so will everyone else's! So it's likely that one's stupidity and/or uncouthity is likely to be lost in the crowd. :)
Eric
Hey! My emails resemble this blog post, too.
This one had me laughing right from the start because I could associate with it so much.
Emails from my friends are also very elliptical - so much so that I've had to demand that those who create new emails when answering back stop doing that so that I can reference the previous threads (especially since a lot of people still don't realize that email is not snail mail, so most people who are familiar with email etiquette expect a 24-48 hour response time, and not the week to two weeks [or more] that some people tend to take).
The greetings and valedictions that I choose really depend upon which ones my contacts are using.
Chellé
Another instance
Amy, I'm a little over a year late to this particular party, but I had to share. I get lots of auto-response notifications from Red Roomers every week when we send out our blog topic of the week email blasts. This week, one came back from someone who had changed his email address. The valediction? "Love always."
Huntington Sharp, Senior Editor, Red Room
E-Mails and X
Dear Ms Tan,
(I prefer formal forms to begin with – how else can one gauge the development of a friendship with its growing informality?)
As part of my New Year policy, I hereby cease using X at the end of my signature. It's just too time-consuming and stressful to try and work out how many Xs are appropriate in my different friendships (funny, I've just written a blog about that).
As for e-mails, I tend to write them like letters – because I have no one to write letters to, anymore. Oh, how I miss receiving letters! I used to be friends with German surgeon (whose English was superior to that of many a Brit), who wrote the most delightful letters. Handsome handwriting, on crisp paper, in beautiful, florid language. Sigh...
Katherine Gregor/ScribeDoll
Quirky and Fun
Dear Amy,
hi! hello!
I enjoyed your post. I frequently wonder the same things, how to begin and end emails. I love how eloquently you describe the conundrum.
Best, warmly, my best, warm wishes, etc.
Eva
I've often struggled with the same thing
Love the post. I also have struggled with how to end emails, ultimately going with "Best."
And I would giggle with glee if you wrote the real posting you suggested at the end. And it would make me wish I could end my emails so...boldly.
Best,
Or should I say, Ending here as my children are getting wild in the other room and something's about to be broken if I don't quickly intervene,
Andrea